#4 TEACHING OUR CHILDREN DISCIPLINE: OBEYING PARENTS

Before we can teach discipline, we need to teach/show the child that we love them. That means we need to do things and say things that are meaningful to the child and not only to ourselves. This takes time and attention. Some children do not feel loved. We all claim to love our children. But does my child feel loved by me? What do I do to make the child feel loved?

A second point of emphasis is to realize that each child is unique, and my child is not a copy of me. It matters not what I could do or understand when I was a child. What matters is what can this child understand and do? Working with this child at whatever is her or his current stage of development is what is important.

Before listing the positive things, we need to do to teach discipline, let us examine a negative. The phrase ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’—not found as such in the Bible— has sparked the feeling that corporal punishment is the key to discipline. This saying is a paraphrase of Proverbs 13:24—“Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” This verse teaches that if we don’t teach our children discipline, then we are doing them as severe a disservice as if we hated them. But if we love them, we will teach them discipline. (Actually, the rod as used in this verse is probably the shepherd’s staff and not a board with which to beat the child as has so often been assumed. A shepherd’s staff was used to guide the sheep, not beat them.) This author would advocate a more intelligent approach, as seen below, than the ‘board of correction.’

First, let us set the proper goal: What are we trying to accomplish? We seek to teach the child self-discipline for all the times in life when we will not be present. We want them to be able to think for themselves and choose to do that which is right.

Rules suggested for teaching children discipline:

  1. Start by establishing an atmosphere of communication. Teach the child that you are always available to talk on any subject. He/she shouldn’t feel that he is intruding or bothering you. Start establishing this kind of atmosphere when the child is small. It will be a powerful asset as the child grows. It is difficult to know when to or not to punish a child when he has volunteered information. Always listen carefully and keep your body language neutral. Don’t have a threatening attitude. (This means don’t frown.) You might want to ask leading questions to get the full story before meting out punishment. This is especially important when the child is small and isn’t able to tell events in a proper order.
  2. Always, repeat always, be sure the child understands the offense and the punishment. Especially when discipling a small child, it is a good tactic to retell the story and then ask him/her whether you told the story correctly. If you are going to mete out punishment, spend time explaining the offense the child committed. Ask the child to tell you in his/her own words what he/she did wrong—for example, “I hit my sister/brother. I didn’t share.” As the child matures, the answers might be, “I lied. I said bad words.”

Children who do not understand why they are being punished breed bitterness within themselves and will quickly stop communicating with their parents.

  1. Once there is an agreement that an offense has been committed, explain the punishment you feel is appropriate. Talk with the child and make sure he understands the punishment. Make the punishment suitable to the offense. Overly harsh punishment will result in resentment. After the punishment has been administered, talk to the child. The aim is to make the child understand that his actions caused the punishment. Depending on the age of the child, stress that he can avoid punishment by not repeating the offense, and that how he behaves is his choice. Again, the goal is to teach a child, whether a four-year old or a nine-year old or a teenager, to think before he does something that is wrong.
  2. Be consistent. Always punish the same way for the same offense. This will foster the feeling of ‘I made this choice. Now I’m going to get what I deserve.’ Kneejerk reactions to offenses will leave a child confused and resentful.
  3. Praise, praise, praise good conduct. Couple those praises with expressing love for the child. Remember, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Then we can feel that we are training the child in the way he should go, Proverbs 22:6.

Passages that can be cited and read to the child during the daily Bible reading time: Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:1-3; Luke 2:51-52; Colossians 3:20; (Each family is encouraged to have a daily Bible reading or story time.)

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